Wit and Banter
by FollowedByArmedLunatics
Summary: While out and about, Varric asks each of Hawke's allies how they would like to be portrayed in his upcoming epic about Hawke's adventures. Original, homemade party banter served up just for you!


I hope to eventually include "party banter" chapters in the context of a full-length fic. While that's being fleshed out, here's some banter I just finished and was too excited about not to post right away!

* * *

How Will You Be Remembered?

Varric: So, Junior, when I write _The Ballad of the Hawke_, how would you like to be portrayed?

Carver: (sarcastic) I actually get to be in your ballad? What an honor.

Varric: Oh don't worry. You'll only be a minor character. Something to flesh out Hawke's back-story and refugee origins. You'll be gone by the halfway point.

Carver: You're going to kill me off?

Varric: Probably not. I'll just find somewhere else for you to go. Something else to do, new people to annoy.

Carver: So I get written out and I don't even get a heroic death scene?

Varric: Tell you what: no heroic death scene, but I will let you come back for a couple of cameos later in the story. How's that?

Carver: Can I be the underestimated hero that disappears partway through and then comes back at the very end to save the day?

Varric: That seems a bit incongruous with the Carver character I've been developing.

Carver: What does it matter if it doesn't fit my character? You're just making this whole thing up anyway. Find a way the make it work.

Varric: I'm a storyteller, Junior, not a miracle worker.

* * *

Varric: Blondie, how would you like to be portrayed in _The Ballad of the Hawke_?

Anders: How were you planning to portray me?

Varric: I was thinking of writing you as the rebel outcast. A man who fights for the poor and disenfranchised, raging against your oppressors, all the while struggling against your darker inner nature…

Anders: My darker inner nature?

Varric: Your bluer half. You'll start out as a loner, doing things for yourself as you've always been forced to do, but will slowly be drawn out of your shell by our magnificent protagonist, and eventually start to accept you that don't have to take on the world alone, that you have an ally you can rely on.

Anders: That sounds eerily close to the truth, Varric.

Varric: A good storyteller knows when something needs to be changed or embellished, but also knows when to just leave something be.

* * *

Varric: Aveline, in your role in _The Ballad of the Hawke_, how would you prefer to be written?

Aveline: Do we actually get a say? I was under the impression that people just appeared in your stories, however you fancied them, whether they wanted to or not.

Varric: Feedback is important. I was thinking of writing you as conflicted. A woman struggling between her loyalty to Hawke and her duties to the crown.

Aveline: I'm not conflicted.

Varric: Denial isn't just a river in Antiva.

Aveline: I'm not conflicted. Hawke does a lot of good in this city.

Varric: _Really?_ You're not even a _little bit_ conflicted? I don't see even the tiniest bit of conflict twinkling in your eye when Hawke or I blatantly break the law right in front of your face? There's not a teensy bit of inner struggle when you see Blondie casting anti-Templar glyphs around his clinic's perimeter?

Aveline: I…glyphs? What glyphs? I'd not heard about these glyphs.

Anders: Thanks, Varric.

Varric: My bad, Blondie.

Aveline: How do you enchant them to only catch Templars?

Anders: They target anyone who isn't a mage but who has Lyrium in their blood.

Aveline: That's…creative. But wouldn't that catch Fenris too?

Anders: That's what we call an unintentional perk. Do I have to take my glyphs down?

Aveline: What do they do to whomever triggers them?

Anders: Paralysis. Some minor energy leeching to weaken the Templar.

Aveline: Nothing harmful or permanent? No maiming glyphs or death glyphs?

Anders: They're designed to help me escape, not let the sewers run red with Templar blood. And death glyphs are so hard to maintain long-term.

Aveline: Then you may…keep your glyphs, mage.

Anders: Thanks.

Aveline: But if I hear about anyone getting hurt down there, the Knight Commander will be the least of your worries. I will hold myself personally responsible for your capture, and I swear to the Maker, Anders, I _will_ find you and I _will_ punish you to the full extent of the law.

Varric: On second thought, guardswoman, I'll write you however you like. You scare the shit out of me.

* * *

Varric: Your turn, Broody. How would you like to feature in _The Ballad of the Hawke_?

Fenris: I don't care.

Varric: Come on, Broody. When you read my story I'd like you to see yourself as you'd like to be remembered.

Fenris: I have no intention of reading your story.

Varric: Now you're just hurting my feelings.

Fenris: That's too bad.

Varric: I see your character as having a lot of angry ellipses in his dialogue.

Fenris: …

Varric: Exactly.

* * *

Varric: I'd like to ask your bluer half how he'd like to be portrayed in my ballad.

Anders: You can't.

Varric: You said that Justice's thoughts come to you as if they were your own.

Anders: I did.

Varric: So, when I ask what Justice thinks about my ballad, what thoughts come to your mind?

Anders: …

Anders: He thinks you waste time memorializing events that haven't happened yet. He thinks that actions are what is important, not stories.

Varric: Does Justice see no benefit recording our important actions? Perhaps so that others may learn from our experiences and not allow history to repeat itself?

Anders: …

Anders: He concedes that you might have a point. If your tale helps to show others the glory in the righteous path, or serves as a cautionary tale to those who might promote injustice, then perhaps it is task worthy of your time after all.

Varric: Tag a moral on the end of the story. Got it.

Anders: He'd also like not to be referred to as "my bluer half".

Varric: That's not Justice, Blondie. That one's all you.

Anders: You caught me.

* * *

Varric: So, Daisy, how would you like to be portrayed in my story?

Merrill: Oh, let's see. Well, I hope you write me as being a good friend to Hawke. Someone she can count on whatever the trouble might be. I'd also like to be good example of the elven, a proud Dalish woman who works hard to help her people reclaim their lost history and dignity.

Varric: A straight-forward, honest answer. The rest of you could learn a thing or two from Daisy.

Merrill: Did I miss something again?

* * *

Varric: Hawke, any thoughts on the progression of _The Ballad_?

Hawke: I think we should focus on killing things now, and worry about how we're going to write about how we killed things later.

Varric: I'm a multi-talented man, Hawke. I can participate in the battle while simultaneously rewriting the battle in my head.

Hawke: That doesn't get exhausting?

Varric: It is the burden I bear in being both the narrator and a faithful companion.

Hawke: Poor you. And all I had to do was slay a couple of dragons.

* * *

Varric: Choirboy, you might not have heard, but I'm writing an epic ballad about our fearless leader and her allies. How would you like to be written?

Sebastian: Oh, I'm not much of a storyteller myself. I am sure however you chose to write me, it will be honorable.

Varric: You haven't read any of my work, have you?

* * *

Varric: Rivaini…

Isabela: Finally! I thought you would never get to me!

Varric: And how would like to be featured in _The Ballad of the Hawke_?

Isabela: The same way I "feature" in all of your literary masterpieces, Varric. I know that I am the inspiration for many of your most…_popular_ characters.

Varric: True, but _The Ballad_ isn't going to be that kind of story.

Isabela: Then why in Thedas are you wasting paper on it?

Varric: The problem I'm coming across is without all of the wild sex, your character is coming out a bit flat. "I want a boat" this, "will you help me get a ship" that, something about a misplaced relic, then more stuff about boats. You have almost as little variety in your dialogue as Blondie.

Isabela: I like big boats, I cannot lie.

Varric: That's helpful, Rivaini.

Isabela: Surely even your boring epic can have at least _some_ fun bits in it. Come on, Varric, please? For me?

Varric: Fine Rivaini, I'll give you a sex scene with the broody elf…

Fenris: Excuse me!

Varric: …he's not planning on reading the story anyway.

Isabela: Excellent! You know I've been dying to find out just how far down those tattoos go.

Varric: My gift to you.

Isabela: Can I have sex with Hawke as well?

Varric: I'm still waiting to see how Hawke's romantic dealings shape out. No sex scene, but how about the two of you get drunk and then make out on a dare?

Fenris: (angry) I would like to amend my previous answer to your question about my portrayal in your story.

Varric: I'm sorry, the window for character feedback has just closed. Maybe next time, Broody?

Fenris: …

Varric: Wow. If ellipses could kill…


End file.
